Soggy Bottom

What a wonderful day I had today!....then the night came. Well today was a normal day, cleaned the house, relaxed, got some work done...etc. Then it came time to go dancing. My hair worked well...as did make-up. It was good. So we're driving to pick up kristi and WHAM! we hit a giant raccoon. At the high speed at which we were traveling...it's pretty darn dead! So fter that tramatic experience, we proceed to pick up mouse*. So we get to Byrons and Myles** was just about ready to start the lesson and as it turned out there was not enough men so I sat out in the beginners lesson***. Then for the intermediate me and Kristi had to share Tim. ( also v.v. embarressing moment: I gave Kristi a slite shove when she tried to steal Tim away from me and she made this huge thud and pretended I like really shoved her and everyone INCLUDING MYLES was like woo! etc. you had to be there.) So the lesson was over and it was time for the open dancing. All was going well ( well at least for me ...Bob's partner fell in the middle of a dance really hard on the dance floor)..then...I think someone spiked the drink or put a curse on me or something...I was getting a little chilly as I sat and waited for the next dance so I grabbed my coat. BIG MISTAKE! tThe sleeve on my jacket hit my cup and tipped ICE COLD WATER ALL OVER MY CHAIR! It looked like I had peed my pants! Then to make it worse... Tim made me get up so he could see how bad it was so it looked like (to everyone else) he was checking out my butt!...but oh no! It doesn't end there! So now that I have water all over my butt I obviously can't dance anymore so I grab Kristi's coat (also wet) and put that on as it was longer and could hide the wet-butt-factor, as calmly as possible I walk out of the dance room to the bathroom in shier panic as there is no automatic hand dryers. I quickly thought up a plan of what to do since if I just went back and sat down sooner or later someone was going to ask me to dance ( its v. rude to say no) so I quickly went back in (everyone looking at me as its like the 5 time I've walked in and out and am wearing a HUGE ugly-ass fur coat) and grabbed my cell and proceeded to walk back out again and call anyone that would answer! PS. NICOLE...YOU NEED TO ANSWER YOUR PHONE MORE!!...So I got ahold of Kaylee...(a responsible driver...inside joke.) she just laughed at me when I told her my issue and then had to go as she was almost in the shower. As I got up from where I was sitting on the table outside the room I realized I had sat in something brown and sticky (as if things weren't bad enough!...so I decide to go back in the room to see when Tim wanted to leave. He was dancing with someone so I just decided to sit down and wait... WELL...as I sat down I managed (I have no idea how) to spill Kristi's water all over my left pant-leg and floor then stepped in it before I noticed...at that point I could have cried! But I chose to laugh as it would be less suspicious looking. Thank god they were all ready to leave after just a few more dances! And thus from this horrible night I have manager to gain yet another nickname..."Soggy Bottom". thanks Kris..thanks...

*mouse = Kristi's nickname, not a furry little cute animal.
**He looked soo UNBELIEVABLY hot tonight (more than usual!!) ...*sigh*
***actually the real reason is I didn't want to get stuck dancing with that fat guy, who can lead, and will spin the crap out of you just because he "likes to watch you spin"!..oh yes and he can't keep rhythm or time!!

Ugh.

9st (excellent), alcohol units 0, cigarettes 29 (v.v. bad, esp. in 2 hours), calories 3879 (repulsive), negative thoughts 942 (approx. based on av. per minute), minutes spent counting negative thoughts 127 (approx.)

Completely exhausted by entire day of preparation. Being a woman is worse than being a farmer- there is so much harvesting and crop spraying to be done: legs to be waxed, underarms shaved, eyebrows plucked, feet pumiced, skin exfoliated and moisturized, spots cleansed, roots dyed, eyelashes tinted, nails filed, cellulite massaged, stomach muscles exercised. The whole performance is so highly tuned you only need to neglect it for a few days for the whole to go to seed. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if left to nature - what a full beard and handlebar moustache on each shin, Dennis Healey eyebrows, face a graveyard of dead skin cells, spots erupting, long curly fingernails like Struwelpeter, blind as bat, and stupid runt of species as no contact lenses, flabby body flobbering around. Ugh, ugh. It is any wonder girls have no confidence?!

Ich werde nicht...

I Will Not:

Drink more than fourteen alcohol units a week.

Smoke.

Waste money on: pasta-makers, ice-cream, machines or other culinary devices which will never use; books by unreadable literary authors to put impressively on shelves; exotic underwear, since pointless as have no boyfriend.

Behave sluttishly around the house, but instead imagine others are watching.

Spend more than earn.

Allow in-tray to rage out of control.

Fall for any of the following: alcoholics, woraholics, commitment phobics, people with girlfriends or wives, misogynists, megalomaniacs, chauvinists, emotional fuckwits or freeloaders, perverts.

Get annoyed with Mum, Em, or Tessa.

Get upset over men, but instead be poised and cool ice-queen.

Have crushes on men, but instead form relationships based on mature assessment of character.

Bitch about anyone behind their backs, but be positive about everyone.

Obsess about Myles Munroe as pathetic to have crush on dance teacher in manner of Miss Moneypenny or similar.

Sulk about having no boyfriend, but develop inner poise and authority and sense of self as woman of substance, complete without boyfriend, as best way to obtain boyfriend.

Ich werde...

I will

Stop smoking.

Drink no more than fourteen alcohol units a week.

Reduce circumference of thighs by 3 inches (i.e. 1 1/2 inches each), using anti-cellulite diet.

Purge flat of all extraneous matter.

Give all clothes which have not worn for two years or more to homeless.

Improve life and find new job with potential.

Save up money in form of saving. Poss start pension also.

Be more confident.

Be more assertive.

Make better use of time.

Not go out every night but stay in and read books and listen to classical music.

Give proportion of earnings to charity.

Be kinder and help others more.

Eat more pulses.

Get up straight away when wake up in mornings.

Go to gym three times a week not merely to buy sandwich.

Put photographs in photograph albums.

Make up compilation 'mood' tapes so can have tapes ready with all favorite romantic/dancing/rousing/feminist etc. tracks assembles instead of turning into drink-sodden DJ-style person with tapes scattered all over the floor.

Form functional relationship with responsible person.

Learn to program video.

Twoo wuv!

Ok Nicole we know you love your dog...but come on really...dont you think this is a bit far?!?!?...but don't worry...I'd bang ya!

All for Annie...

Well here I am writing a post with nothing to write about...what a boring day I had today...oh I know what I can say...And I dedicate this to Anika!

"How I got stuck in garbage can on Tuesday"...but ..well ok if I dont you might get the wrong idea...

So it all began on that fine Tuesday morning... Sarah, Hanna, and I went out on a photoshoot. We decided it would be really cute if we took out the garbage bage and metal bin thing and get Sarah to climb in to the empty wood container bin and take pictures...So she proceded to get in...as she was trying to get in she realized that she could only get in so far because her knees couldn't bend any lower...so being the...let's say helpful...person I am I decided to get in the bin lower by benden my knees back and lowering myself in...It worked perfectly!...I was in and Hanna got the pictures. I proceded to get out of the garbage can but realized I was stuck! Then the girls all started laughing so hard they started to cry...I as was helplessly trying to struggle my way out. Finally they realized just how stuck I really was..so then they all tried to pull me out...I wasn't budging!...Then finally after many minutes of embarressing and painful attempts...they got me out! So ya thats my garbage story...And take my word...I will NEVER attempt anythin like that again!!