May contain traces of peanuts...

AHAHAHA!

WHITE WOMEN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.
Second date: You get to grope all over and make out a bit.
Third date: You get to have sex but only in the missionary position.

IRISH WOMEN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.
20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

ITALIAN WOMEN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.
Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.
Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3-carat ring.
5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.
6th Anniversary: You find yourself a Mistress.

JEWISH WOMEN:

First Date: You get terrific head.
Second Date: You get even more great head.
Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.

CHINESE WOMEN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens.
Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner. Nothing happens again.
Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you've already realized nothing is ever going to happen.

INDIAN WOMEN:

First date: Meet her parents.
Second date: Set the date of the wedding.
Third date: Wedding night.

BLACK WOMEN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.
Second Date: You get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.
Third Date: You get to pay her rent.
Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you.

MEXICAN WOMEN:

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get drunk on Tequila, and have sex in the back of her car.
Second Date: She's pregnant.
Third Date: She moves in. One week later, her mother, father, his girlfriend, her two sisters, her brother, her grandma, her father's girlfriend's mother, her two cousins, her sister's Boyfriend and his three kids move in and you live on rice and beans for the rest of your life in your home that used to be nice, but now looks like a home along the Tijuana strip.

ARAB WOMEN:

First Date: Mother, Father, Brothers, Sisters, Cousins, Aunts, Uncles, Friends and entire arab community finds out.
Second Date: You are shot dead.
No third date.

Daily affirmations....or....A cup of pudding a day is the way to stay ok

So lately I haven't been feeling to well...BUT there is a solution! ALCOHOL! ...just kidding...but no... there is a way! Daily Affirmations!

I do daily affirmations every day-hence the word "daily." I guess, if you're lazy, you can do weekly affirmations or monthly affirmations, or even yearly affirmations. Actually, I suppose New Year's resolutions are yearly affirmations. But f you're making the same New Year's resolution every year (e.g., "i will be more popular"), and it's still not happening (e.g., "Nobody calls me. I am all alone. Boo hoo."), it may be time to change your strategy. Your next yearly affirmation should be to do daily affirmations.

We all have bad days and you can't always count on other people to make things better. or instance, you might say to someone, "I'm a bad person," expecting them to say in return, "Oh, no, you're one of the kindest, most thoughtful people I know." But nine times out of ten, they'll say instead, "Really. Hmmm. Hey, could you pass the Chee-tos?"

So because you can't rely on other people, for your own ego you need daily affirmations. Some obvious affirmations are: "I am a good person." or "Ilove myself" or "I matter" But I think it's a good idea to start small. (e.g., "I will brush my teeth" or "I will wake up") Don't push yourself. And the more depressed you are, the simpler the affirmation should be. Under the circustances, "Who cares if I'm drunk?" is a perfectly reasonable affirmation.

And sometimes the only way you can make yourself feel better is by putting other people down. And that's ok. (My grandma wouldn't be proud haha) There is nothing wrong with that-whatever gets you through. "I'm not as fat as she is." "Thank God I'm not as bone ugly as they are." These are all fine affirmations. However, it's best that when you are in public to say these affirmations to yourself. It can save you embarrassment and a black eye. These are silent affirmations.

Here are some affirmations that have helped me. Use them if you'd like.

I am the world's shortest giant.

I'm a little teapot, short and stout. Here is my handle, here is my spout.

I bet nobody knows I'm crazy.

I look good in bell bottoms.

Archie would rarther date me than either Betty or Veronica.

I can walk through walls. Ouch! No, I can't.

I mean for my hair to look like this.

The Great Spirit smiles on me. On me and only me. The Great Spirit hates everybody else. We're best friends.

I don't need exercise. I have the perfect shape.

I am smarter than my dogs. Well, smarter that one of my dogs.

Being grubby equals being cool.

I sing better than Bonnie Raitt. I have as many Grammys as Bonnie Raitt. I am Bonnie Raitt.

If I put my mind to it, I could do anything. I just don't feel like putting my mind to something. So there.

I have X-ray vision. Wait a minute. I don't. These glasses are a rip off.

I meant to get ripped off.

I've fallen and I can get up.

I'm good at watching TV.

I can come up with better affirmations than these.

FutureLoveSound

For some reason love, even of the most ardednt and soul-destroying kind, is never caught by the lens of the camera. One would almost think it didn't exist.

This is cool!

Noah takes a photo of himself everyday for 6 years.

The REAL Nicole and Lisa haha

The REAL thoughts of my friends...

What's you're fav kind of pie?

I GOT A JOB!

is it bad i already want to quit?

Show me the money!

Dear People Who Read My Blog,

I need a job. Please give me a job.

From the jobless hobo, Kaila

This weeks horoscope:

Sagittarius November 22 - December 21
Tragedy and misfortune will strike those closest to you this week when your careful and thorough homicide plans go horribly right.

This is no laughing matter!

Have you ever brushed your teeth at the same time as someone else?

It's annoying right? Because you never want to be the first one done brushing your teeth because then the other person will think you don't brush your teeth very well...right?

And then the next thing you know they will start ignoring you and cutting you out of their social circle and then you'll lose all your friends and then your family will disown you and you'll lose your job and your dog will die and your husband will leave you and your house will burn down and your hair will turn grey and your car will burst into flames...

So the point is....always brush your teeth longer than the other person!

Things about me # 81-100

81. I read the last sentence of every novel before I even finish it.
82. I can go cross-eyed and at the same time make one eye wander...usless talent I know...but it sure is creepy!
83. My brown eyes sometimes turn half green
84. My hair has been: Auburn w/ red streaks, Auburn w/ blonde streaks, almost completely platinum blonde, burgandy, chocolate brown, black, black/blue, dark red,
85. The trash-chic / retro / glam-rock look is beautiful.
86. Love the 40's.
87. I get jealous when I see a couple hugging/holding hands and im single
88. I'm a Saggitarius but I don't believe in astrology, but it's cool to read sometimes
89. I've inherited the nickname Laka...amongst many others...but that one has stuck
90. I love plane rides, and plane food. Shut up, it's good!
91. I'm getting a monroe piercing soon..very soon
92. I have a friend in a band. Wanna fight about it?
93. I effin love strawberry cream cheese
94. I lovelovelove piercings and tattoos (not the lame ones)
95. I have the best friend in the whole wide world
96. I wish I was a photographer
97. I love lamp (inside "40 year old virgin" joke)
98. I lovelovelovellooovvveee road trips
99. Im talking to some russian guy right now on msn and I asked him who he is and he just said "I am book"
100. I don't get it....