Let's get this straight

Do not open your mouth so much wider than your partner's that it appears as if you are trying to eat their head. Kissing is not a Mick Jagger impersonation contest.

Tongue-flicking your partner's uvula as if it were a boxing bag must never be attempted by anyone wishing to float high above the depths of vulgarity, not to mention stupidity.

Do not make a beeline for the boobs, the ass or the crotch the instant the lips have locked, especially during a first kiss or during kisses early on in the dating process. It is one thing if you are both living out the elevator scene from Fatal Attraction. It is quite another if you are strolling along the promenade under the moonlit sky, having done nothing but hand-holding up until this point. In most cases, romance should take priority over unadulterated lasciviousness; you will both wish to savor the moment, so focus on the kissing. Do not denigrate it or distract yourselves from its beauty by rushing to the naughty bits. True ladies and gentlemen, for the most part, take their sweet time.

Only the most hopeless of souls employs the sucker punch. Sneaking up on someone (especially someone you have never kissed before) and planting one on them by surprise so they cannot act quickly enough not to kiss you is the epitome of rudeness, to say nothing of desperation. You may, however, grab your date by the hand, push them up against a wall and plant one on them passionately, so long as there is not even the slightest hint of hesitation in their constitution. That three-step process should give you enough time to accurately assess your date's response and abort the kiss if need be.

Likewise, grabbing someone's face is romantic so long as you are not holding their head to keep them from pulling away. Putting someone in a headlock so they cannot escape your kisser is not only rude, it is criminal.

If the kissee pulls away, the ladylike or gentlemanly kisser refrains from getting mad or pouty. Even if you are dying of humiliation or crying on the inside, maintain a cool and calm exterior. You can kill yourself later.

When you come up for air and find your mouth poised on the precipice of their earlobe, proceed with caution and restraint. Many persons despise ear play altogether, on principle, as it reminds them of the wet willies of yesteryear. So go slowly, breathe softly, blow ever so gently, use your tongue sparingly -- it should just delicately graze the outside of the earlobe, not dig for waxen gold like a Q-tip. If your partner pulls away, do not keep revisiting the area in an effort to convert them.

A lady or gentleman never expects a make-out session, or even a good-bye kiss on the lips, at the end of a date. We would do well to remember that kissing is so intimate an act that not even Julia Roberts's hooker character in Pretty Woman would allow her johns to osculate her. The same thing goes for holding hands in public on a first date, especially before the drinking has commenced. Civilized people find it extremely odd and out of fashion that so many young couples on the show Blind Date begin holding hands within the first few minutes of meeting -- even when they are not particularly fond of one another. Barbarians, all of them!